I’m John… and I’m a WhatsApp tittle-tattler

Warning: if you don’t like bitchy, gossipy emails, look away now…

My physique isn’t suited to many athletic endeavours.

In fact, unless the Olympic committee officially recognise “whose body most resembles a sack of rotting potatoes” as a sport, my cupboard will remain bereft of medals, but…

… being sarcastic on WhatsApp?

Just gimme the gold medal now…

I have a friend I play a game with – we go hunting for FB statuses that pretend to be kind and generous but really scream…

“ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!”

… louder than Veruca Salt in a “first one to tell me what the letters ‘M’ and ‘E’ spell wins a Hyundai?” competition…

An example to make it clearer you say? No problem.

It’s the person who posts:

“I was getting in my fifth HIIT workout of the week when I heard the news of your graduation – congratulations!”

“Yeah, head down the road until you see the luxury Penthouse – that’s us. You’ll know it when you see it cos it looks like the one on Grand Designs… you know, series 4 episode 7 – the one that cost £2.4m? Anyway, I’ll put the Joe Pasquale DVDs outside in a box for you. If you could leave the £3.50 in the high-end, gold-plated missive containment unit that the Post Office representative utilises, that’d be fab…”

(I did warn you about the bitchiness…)

Thing is, people who post this kind of twaddle realise you can’t go on social and brazenly boast.

That’s why they do this – they think they’re being subtle and that the “ME” flys by our radar.

It doesn’t.

We hear it – loud and clear.

In fact, it’s often the ONLY thing we notice in the message, making it WORSE than if you’d typed:

“Just done my fifth workout of the week. I’M FUCKING AWESOME ME!”

At least with that ^^^ you’ve not tried to hide it.

Thing is, doing your fifth HIIT workout of the week IS a massive accomplishment, but…

… at least share something useful with it, or make it a little bit entertaining.

Tell us how you were farting so much during the burpees that the local council issued a pollution warning, asking residents to shut all windows…

… or how you never cried at watching Toy Story 3 with your kids, but when the app yelled “one more round…” you bawled your eyes out.

Give us something that’ll help US get fitter or inspire US to get off OUR arses.

“I’ve just done my fifth workout of the week.” serves YOU.

“I’ve just done my fifth workout of the week. Here’s something weird I discovered…” serves your AUDIENCE.

It’s the same with business.

For example, I could tell you that I’m pretty darn good at writing funnels, or…

I could tell you how yesterday, a FB ad for one of the funnels I wrote popped up.

(Gotta be honest… I’m at the stage where this still weirds me out a little)

It had a whole bunch of comments, and I couldn’t resist…

… I had to click.

That’s when I saw it:

3,253,183% of my body wanted to do this.

… but as I sat back on my charity shop sofa, wrapped in my B&M Bargains throw, watching a TV that I have to get up to adjust the volume because the remote is bloody knackered…

… I somehow resisted.

Of course, showing you the screengrab here is fine, because it comes sandwiched between a story that reminds you that you’re not the worst human on the planet (I am)…

… and this obvious pitch for you to grab yourself an hour call with me, so we can put our heads together and finally solve THAT problem you’ve been wrestling with for months.

Struggling to create a killer offer?
Got a sales page that doesn’t convert…
… or an email sequence that isn’t pulling its weight?

In less than an hour (I’m allowing 18 seconds for weird, fumbling awkwardness at the beginning) and for exactly £79, you’ll have the answer you’ve been waiting for.

An offer your audience wants to pay money for…
A sales page that generates sales without you having to do anything…
An email sequence that converts freebie seekers into buyers…

What’s more, you’ll have a laugh while you’re doing it.

If you want to work with me, this is the lowest priced way to do it.

Interested? Hit reply and tell me what you’re struggling with.

Fare thee well,

John