“A Copywriter?

For ONLY £99?

What’s The Catch?”

John Holt is my secret weapon. No matter what project I throw him on at my agency, he’s able to understand the market and write incredibly persuasive (and sometimes laugh-out-loud funny) copy that sells. He sniffs out great hooks and I always enjoy our rap sessions when we’re mapping out a campaign. I think he’s the best-kept secret in the copywriting world.” – Chris Orzechowski

Copy that ROCKS… in just 60 minutes

If you’re a business owner, freelancer, or entrepreneur who struggles to talk about what they do in a way that makes their customers do this…

… you might want to read this, as I’m going to reveal an easy way you can sell more stuff… for less than £100.

Oh, and don’t worry… it’s not about being “salesy”, “sleazy”, or manipulating your customers with fancy copywriting terms like “funnel”, “OTO”, or “flange” either.

Nope, what I do is help you write like you actually talk – in REAL LIFE!, so you land more clients that “get” you…

… and none of the nightmare ones who don’t.

“Yeah, yeah… I get it – more clients… more money… but what can you actually help ME with, Mr. Copywriter? Gimme some freakin’ examples!”

Good question.

Truth is, there are a lot of ways a copywriter can help make your life easier.

I can write sales pages, email sequences, and more general stuff, like look at your offer and make it more attractive to your audience.

Here’s a good test, have you ever found yourself saying any of the following:

“Oh my god! I have so many ideas… I don’t know where to start! If only I could sit down with a slightly chubby, middle-aged copywriter from the UK, who could help set me on the right path, that’d be AWESOME!

“I have this new thing I’m about to launch into the world but have no idea how to do it. HELP!

“I have a sales page for my awesome widget that lowers cholesterol, neuters cats AND removes unsightly leg hair… but it’s not converting. I wish someone could look at it and give it a quick kick up the arse so it made more sales.

“My website has lots of lovely pictures and I FINALLY picked a font I love, but… the words are SHITE. Even I don’t want to book me after reading them!

“OK… so you can help me hone my ideas, launch my products, and help me write copy that sells more of my stuff. Gotcha, but hang on a second… who the hell are you again?”

Hi! I’m John. If you’re here, it’s because you already know who I am and think I might be able to help you.

Long story short? I’m a full-time direct-response copywriter. I also know all the words to MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This”.

I have to be honest, one of those isn’t entirely relevant to this amazing offer, but here’s what you should know…

I spend my days creating sales pages, email sequences, FB ads, and a whole lot more for business owners, service providers, and e-commerce brands who want to generate as many sales as possible with the least amount of effort.

That quote at the top of the page? It’s from one of the best copywriters in the world.

I’m not totally shit at this.

Though, putting photos like this on my page certainly doesn’t help…

Remember kids - don't do drugs!

Anyway… I’m not looking for any long-term projects at the moment (call me precious, but I like to have at least 3 hours sleep a night), so if you want me to help you sell more stuff, this is the ONLY way to do it.

Which kinda begs the question…

“If you’re so god damn busy why are you doing this?

Here’s why…

Agency gigs are awesome, but…

… it means I have all my copywriting eggs in one basket, AND…

… I don’t have any clients of my own.

I’m not gonna lie.. both of those scare the beejezus outta me.

If my bosses decided to ditch me tomorrow, I’d have nothing.

So I need to get my arse into gear and start getting clients of my own, so this is what I came up with.

Here’s how 3600 seconds with me will help you sell more stuff, make your life easier, give you longer orgasms, descale your kettle, and get clarity on what to do next…

Shit! I’ve not done any bullet points yet.

Let’s do that now. Here are a few more ideas to get you thinking about the magic we could make together.

Just think, after an hour with me, you could:

  • Get more sales, as I show you how to make your sales page more persuasive and compelling.
  • Have a bunch of hooks, angles, and headline ideas your customers find irresistible.
  • Eliminate the guesswork – as I show you exactly what you need to do to get the results you’re after (yay – no more struggling on your own!).
  • Know how to REALLY speak to your target audience (or how to identify them if you don’t know who they are!).
  • Put a smile on your customer’s face with some funny ideas for adverts, emails, and social media posts.
  • No longer be worrying, “What do I do now?” – you’ll have total clarity on the next steps in your project.
  • Convert more subscribers into clients with a finely-honed welcome sequence.
  • Perk up pages on your website that aren’t pulling their weight (Yes, I’m looking at you, “About us” page!)
… and MUCH more!

There’s A LOT we can do in an hour…

Wanna know what happens after you push the magic green button?

Here’s how this will play out:

You read this page and think, “Woopee! This sounds awesome!” and start the process by clicking the magic green button..

If the results of my social media stalking lead me to believe we’d be a good fit, I’ll send you an online form to complete.

I’ll ask questions about what you’re after, how I can help, and that dodgy one night stand you had in Tenerife and you’ll send all the answers, photos, and medical tests back to me.

Once I’ve got that, we’ll find an hour we’re both free and book a call.

Before our call, I’ll peruse your info from the serenity of my private Fijian island and begin processing all the deets.

(I used the terms “deets” as it’s a more modern vernacular and is likely to endear me with a younger generation… unlike this sentence)

We’ll then hop on the call thrash it out.

It may get messy.

After the hour is up, we’ll lie back and smoke a cigarette. 

When you leave the call:

You’ll have a load of ideas you can use to make more money and make your life easier.

Not only that, but I’ll follow up with you to make sure you’ve captured all the magic we created together.

Me? Well, I’ll be overly needy and clingy and ask for your number.

When I call you 17 minutes later, I’ll be devastated to discover you’ve given me the number for my local Dominos.

(The large Texas BBQ and cheesy wedges I order will be scant consolation)

But, whatever you do…

DON’T CLICK THE BUTTON YET!

You see, I’m not a great fit for everyone.

Don’t worry, I’m OK with this.

It’s better for everyone that we discover this sooner rather than later, so let’s get it out of the way with a quick test.

If you have ANY of the following red flags, please DON’T click the magic green button at the bottom of the page.

🚩 You expect me to write an entire funnel’s worth of copy in 60 minutes.

🚩 You have no sense of humour. (Quick test – if you pop round to your Gran’s and she says, “Oh, I had that lovely Gavin from Autoglass come round and fill my crack with his special resin” and you AREN’T at bursting point, close the page now)

🚩 You can’t name any Belgian Detectives.

🚩 You reside in an undersea volcano with your white cat and plan to use our copy magic for nefarious means.

If you made it through those… CONGRATS. 

There’s just one final step…

🎶 And now… the end is near… 🎶

We’re at the end of the page.

This is the part where I should really ramp up the scarcity and show you how much of a steal this offer is, so you realise it’s a total no brainer and end up bashing the hell out of the green button below.

There are a lot of tactics I COULD use, but let’s go for one you hardly ever see on a sales page – TRUTH!

The truth is, given the exorbitant fees copywriters usually charge, if I only gave you one useful idea, it’d probably be worth £99 just for that, but…

… that would mean we spent the other 59 minutes in an awkward silence, and if I learned one thing from visiting Uncle Franny in prison, it’s that awkward silences are not fun.

Also, if you wanted to hire a copywriter to write you a sales page or an email sequence for you, you’re going to be writing a cheque with at least 3 zero’s on it.

Sure, for £99, I’m not writing you a sales page, but I will show you how to make your existing one convert better – probably MUCH better – for a fraction of the price.

Same with your email sequence. Show me what you’ve got and I’ll give you the direction and copy skills to get it performing better in only 60 minutes.

The end result is the same – you end up with copy that works!

Let’s get to the “scarcity” bit…

Unlike that sleazeball guru who promised he only had 20 copies of his digital ebook for sale…

… before he “magically” found a few extra copies in his warehouse (WTF??)…

… you do need to act now. 

Working for two agencies, I don’t have a lot of free time. That’s why the button below is NOT a “Buy it now” button.

Instead, it’s a “let’s see if I’m the right copywriter for you” button (or a “LSIITRCFY” button, for short).

Bottom line – if you need help and think I’m the perfect person for you…

… hit the green button NOW and let’s make it happen!

One last set of quotes just to remind you of the “I’m not totally shit, honest!” bit

“John reworked the entire autoresponder series to make each more entertaining, engaging, and informative. The results were fantastic! We saw a higher open rate for each email and our customers reported having greater success with our product. John delivered exactly what was needed and we have no reservations in recommending him!” – Giggio

“Haha! I couldn’t stop crying with laughter when I read the rewrite John had made of my presentation! John is one of the most hilarious people I’ve ever worked with. He can take the dryest, dullest presentation and transform it into a humorous and engaging one that hooks your audience and keeps them engaged.” – Anders Nielsen – Apps Captain

“John Holt is hilariously funny. He’s done some work for me and other Charm Offensive members and he’s infuriatingly good. If you need to add humour to your copy, you should speak to John. Now. NOW!!! I said.” – Jon Buchan – Charm Offensive