Endless Emails

Why would you EVER choose this option?

Brace yourself… I’m gonna talk about my roomba (remember – little “r” cos it’s the Aldi version) again.

I’m sure you’ll be delighted to hear I’ve now honed my pre-roomba routine to the point I can ensure his safety by only moving two objects.

CARES GIF

Not only am I using the little scamp every morning, but I can set him off and head upstairs to do some work, safe in the knowledge he won’t Alex Honnold his way up our drapes.

(He’s actually whirring his way downstairs as I type)

(The roomba, not Alex Honnold. I don’t know where he is.)

Our relationship is blooming so magnificently, I even looked in the manual to see what all the buttons do.

I’ve never felt so alive!

Turns out there’s an “intense” setting I didn’t know about.

As a werd man, I know “intense” can mean different things.

If I select “intense”, will Rover do a deep clean, or… will he transform into Christopher Walken and start maniacally laughing or ranting in a staccato rhythm?

I looked around my lounge and decided to chance it. 

I had my phone at the ready, just in case.

(I thought an electronic Max Zorin pacing my lounge might go viral on TikTok and help me recoup some of the money I lost in my hot tub streaming venture)

Turns out it was the “deep clean” thing.

(I know, I was disappointed too)

When Rover goes “Full Walken”, he still scuttles around the room but he turns from Obi-Wan to Mace Windu (his light goes from blue to purple) and he works a little bit harder.

As soon as I saw this, I had a question. Can you work out what it was?

Here’s a hint: as soon as I discovered this super setting, I thought of the Jerry Seinfeld joke about pilots who, after taking off late, say “we’re going to make up some time in the air”, to which Seinfeld responds:

“If you can go faster, why don’t you just go that fast all the time?”

I wondered the same thing about our little Rover:

“If the ‘intense’ setting cleans my carpet better, why would I EVER choose the other option?”

That’d be like winning dinner at a Heston Blumenthal restaurant and ordering a boiled egg.

If you have a choice between two options – and one always gets better results for the same effort – why would you ever choose the other?

If you’ve got a way of writing emails that bring in sales DON’T buy my email writing course “Sent.”.

If you’ve landed on a system for coming up with an infinite amount of things to talk about in your content DON’T you dare even look at Endless Emails.

You don’t need to do more things… you need to do more of the things that work best.

Move over Sullenberger…

It took me 46 years, but I did it…

I finally beat travel sickness…

Ever since I was a kid any trip of longer than 38 seconds filled me with dread. 

“We’re just popping to see Dawn at number 32… bring the sick bags for John”.

On school trips, I’d be the kid sitting right up front and looking pale, with 14 wristbands on each arm, one wrist hanging out the window, a damp cloth on my forehead and a neck pillow. 

Passing cars must’ve thought my school was transporting fresh cadavers for organ harvesting to earn a bit of extra cash on the side.

For a while, I had a theory that sitting in the front was a solution to travel sickness, but it’s not.

Being able to see where you’re going helps… but moving from the back seat to the front isn’t enough. 

If you want to completely eliminate the chances of you creating your own brand of uphurlstery*, there’s one more move you have to make.

You have to move to the right (or left, if you’re American)

* I have to tell you… I’m VERY proud of that.

With travel sickness, the closer you get to being in control, the better.

Putting yourself in the driving seat is the only way to eliminate it.

Unfortunately, when you do this on a long-haul flight, entering the cockpit and demanding the pilot move from behind the wheel is classed as terrorism and everyone tends to get a bit shouty. 

Being in the driver’s seat gives your body a heads up so it can adjust for braking, turning around corners, and handbrake turns when being pursued by the cops on overblown terrorism charges. 

Don’t get me wrong. You can have a lot of fun in the back seat of the car…

… just not while you’re moving.

(You should probably take your wristbands off too) 

Travel sickness is like anything — the more in control you feel, the better. 

(Can you smell the “it’s a bit like email marketing…” transition yet?)

I’ve spoken to a bunch of business owners recently who are struggling to get their email game going. 

They know they should start emailing, but they don’t know HOW. 

For most, email is a “when inspiration strikes” thing. 

They don’t feel in control.

I think control in email marketing comes down to two things – having a:

1) Reliable system for coming up with things to talk about in your emails

2) Dependable approach to structuring an email, so you feel confident hitting “send”

Once you have a process for creating ideas and turning them into emails that sell, you feel more in control of your email marketing.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a ton of stuff to master, but with those two things, you can start hitting send and be on your merry way.

So… which one of those is the bigger problem for you?

If it’s the “what the hell do I talk about in my emails?” thing, check out Endless Emails. It’ll give you a simple system you can use to come up with all the email ideas you’ll ever need. 

(It’s the approach I used to write THIS email… HOW META IS THAT?)

And if it’s the  “How do I turn my ideas into emails that sell?” thing, you might want to check out Sent. It’s my day-by-day email writing course that shows you my entire approach to writing emails like this.

There’s a lot of stuff in Sent., but if you’re looking for a simple approach to writing emails that sell — and are unmistakably you — you might like it.

John 

This email got a 90% open rate… and I’m pissed.

Looking at elaborate charts and graphs in email software makes me want to stab my eyeballs.

I do it though… presumably for the same reason people clean the toilets after Glastonbury… 

Because someone pays me to.

Graphs are lovely an’ all (and my mum would definitely go “ooooooh!” looking at all the snazzy colours), but I’m only really after one figure – SALEZZZZZ!

I want to be able to look at an email and see how many rupees it rained down on my bank account.

Only if things have gone a little bit kaka do I dive deeper… examining clicks, opens, and infrared, sonar-powered heatmaps*, pretending I know what I’m doing looking for the problem.

* I’m pretty sure I made that one up.

If I was being polite, I’d refer to my system as “laissez-faire”, but truthfully it’s more “fairly lazy”.

I’m not recommending this approach. It’s definitely a luxury that comes with the “having two clients paying me a monthly retainer so I don’t need to worry too much about how many courses I shift” kinda problem…

Despite my aversion to stats though, there is one I’ve been thinking about recently…

An email I sent which had a 91% open rate.

91% is pretty good, but I was pissed.

It should’ve been 100%. And that’s not even my ego screaming, “that email was so damn good I demand everyone open it”.

Everyone SHOULD have opened it. 

After all, they PAID me to send it.

It was the email you get when you sign up for my Endless Emails program course thing – the one with all the links.

Why would you pay for something and not even open the damn email?

Maybe their Lotto numbers came up after hitting my lovely green “Buy” button? 

If that’s the case, they’re probably too busy Googling remedies for the paper cuts they got from swimming in all that cash to worry about email ideas.

Or maybe… a can of soup fell on their head, causing amnesia, so they can’t remember buying the damn thing in the first place?

Perhaps it was a can of tomatoes?

The possibilities – and cans – are almost as infinite as the number of ideas Endless Emails helps you create.

(I give that plug a “shameless” rating of 9.)

Or maybe… something else happened. 

Something you may relate to…

Clicking the “Buy” button makes you feel like you’ve solved the problem.

This is why upsells work so well.

You grab a $7 offer that promises to take you from couch potato to trim and toned Dad. Then the upsell hits you…

“Now you’re trim and toned, here’s what you’ll be needing next – RIPPLING ABS! Pick up my AWESOME ABS AND OSTENTATIOUS OBLIQUES system now…”

And you think, “Yeah, now I’ve solved my tubby couch potato problem, I’d love a set of abs like that… I’m in!”

Now you’re hit with another offer…

“Now you’re trim and toned, and your abs are so rock-solid local blacksmiths are using them as an anvil to forge steel… It’s time to show ‘em off to the world. Here’s how you’ll rock your first bodybuilding competition…”

In the space of 3 clicks you’ve gone from couch potato to “Susan… oil me up!”

Your sedentary alert on your Fitbit buzzes you back to reality.

Clicking buy doesn’t solve the problem. It only solves the first part of the problem, the…

What’s the first action I can take to achieve this goal?

… part of the problem.

If people don’t engage with your course, by all means look to see if there’s anything you can do to make it easier or more actionable.

Maybe an email sequence would help boost engagement?

How about a friendly “How are you getting on?” nudge?

Don’t forget, this isn’t just your program. Online course completion rates are about 1.6%* for everyone.

* I made that up. I did sign up for a statistical analysis class on Udemy… but never made it to the “percentages” module.

You can’t solve your audience’s problems for them. All you can do is make it as easy as possible.

I’d come up with a great analogy for that, but I’ve got to head out. My horse needs a drink.

John

If the FBI asks, give them this photo…

If being incredibly shit at Fortnite ever becomes a Federal crime and I end up on the FBI’s “Most Wanted” list, I hope this is the photo they use:

(If the FBI agrees to my demands, I pinky promise to carry those glasses on my person at all times, to make the verification process easier)

That photo is, by a country mile, the closest I’ve ever come to having a headshot.

But, seeing as one of my 2022 goals is to “get myself out there a bit more”*, I need to rectify that.

* Why have SMART goals when you can have Drab Unclear Meaningless Blurry goals instead. (New “Goal setting for DUMBies” book coming soon!)

I need to get a headshot.

Fortunately, a good friend of mine was offering sessions in a local swanky hotel and, seeing as it was down the road from the place I open my laptop and try my best to convince people I’m doing some productive work…

This gave me the perfect chance.

Gotta be honest, I was dreading it. I bloody hate having my photo taken. 

Before the shoot I was imagining myself sitting there as if posing for an oil painting, awkwardly doing my best fake smile.

I could already hear the responses people would make when seeing the photo:

“I didn’t know you had gastrointestinal problems…”

“How many drawing pins were you sitting on?”

I was practising my smile in the rearview mirror on my way over, to see if I could make it look slightly less sinister.

It did not. The lady in the car behind me either thought I was flirting with her or having a stroke.

“Maybe Photoshop has a ‘serial killer smile remover’ button?”

Turns out I had nothing to worry about.

My friend told me where to stand and I spent a fun twenty minutes or so chatting and joking around with her while looking vaguely in her direction.

No awkward posing. No “OK, let’s do one more… only this time try not to look like you’ve sat on a plate of blancmange”.

Just the occasional:

“Point your feet that way…”

“Look at that window for a minute…”

I can do that.

If I had to sum the whole shoot up in one word, I’d choose…

EASY. 

It was just so easy.

Easy is something that’s easily forgotten.

In marketing, it’s all too easy to only focus on the big, measurable benefits of the thing you sell:

– The HUUUUUGE sales your “cash machine” generates…

– The “laundry list” of clients your “customer-getting faucet” delivers…

– The “hilarious” third bullet point your “comedy contraption” creates…

I’ve said this many times:

Your customers are selfish jerks.

But they’re not just selfish…

They’re selfish, lazy jerks.

Not only do we care about what’s in it for us… we’re looking for the easy solution. So if your answer makes our lives easier… TELL US!

That’s why one of the things I focus on in Endless Emails is not only how you can use it to generate an endless amount of ideas you can write about in your emails…

… but also how it’s so easy – you can do it while sitting on the toilet.

Yep. For half the people reading this, Endless Emails is literally piss easy.

If you’re looking for an easy way to end your “what do I write about?” woes once and for all, check out:

https://insertgaghere.com/endless

John

How to get TWO emails out of one BORING non-event

Some things shouldn’t need to be said:

“Use your common sense…”

“Could you move your car off my throat?”

I saw another great example on a matrix road sign recently, or at least…

I THOUGHT I did:

“Seatbelts save lives. Make sure you wear yours.”

Do we still need to be told this? Are there many folks driving around without seat belts? 

Aside from shifting my car a few feet along the driveaway, I can’t remember ever driving without a seatbelt.

Having said that…

I do admit to setting off AND putting my seat belt on… AT THE SAME TIME.

I’d do that when running late for magic gigs. Combining the two tasks felt like it saved me valuable time, though I can’t for the life of me remember a situation where this god-level lifehack actually made a difference.

“Thank god you made it, John. If you’d have been 0.8 of a second later, you’d have less hair, a larger waistline, and be physically incapable of pronouncing the word ‘plinth’.”

I was thinking about this “do we still need to be told about seat belts?” thing far too much, so I did some Googling…

Turns out… we bloody DO need to be told.

In the UK, a third of the people killed in road deaths were not wearing a seatbelt.

Wearing a seatbelt became law in 1983. That means it’s been nearly 30 years and the government is still spending time and money pleading with us to “clunk, click… every trip”.

So if you’re fretting about sending an email with the same “value-bomb” as one you wrote last year… don’t.

Some messages need to be rammed home until we get them into our thick – easily crackable – skulls…

John

P.S. Here’s a “behind the scenes” peek at my process for writing this email…

I saw the matrix sign and thought it would make for a good email, but…

NOT the email you’ve just read.

No. Because I saw the sign and thought:

“Do we really still need to be told to wear seat belts? I doubt it. It’ll make for a good ‘you need to update your message to match your audience’s new problems…’ transition.”

And then I Googled… 

“Balls. Ah well… a swift J-turn and I can turn this puppy in a whole new direction…”.

Same story… totally different email.

Want an EXTRA “behind the scenes” peek at how I take ordinary, run of the mill, “ooooh look – a road sign” events and turn them into emails that sell?

Click here and you can have my entire approach.