Since no one died after I made the first video, I thought I’d have another bash, this time, looking at personal training.
During a quick search on the net, I discovered this blog post, written by Beth Trueman and thought I’d use it in a video. If you’ve ever met me, you’ll know that I’m not the type for personal training, so the Google algorithm is probably having a field day wondering what I’m up to…
Anywa, here’s the video of me taking someone else’s words and trying to add a splash of humour to them.
As always, me featuring a blog post doesn’t mean I don’t like it. I just hunt round for posts and copy that don’t presently use humour, so that I can add some in. I pick them entirely by chance, so please don’t infer anything from my choices.
Just don’t. As ever, if you want to get in touch, you can email me at email@example.com, or hang around at your local McDonald’s until I show up…
Hopefully, I’ll do a few more of these in the future, as it’s a good way to keep my writing skills honed, as well as serving to show you the process of trying to be funny.
Oh, and it goes without saying that my using this website isn’t an indication as to my opinion of it. It’s a great blog and I just happened to find it on the net and thought it a great example of a blog post that doesn’t presently use humour (which is totally fine by the way).
Anyway, hope you enjoy the video.
Oh, and if you ever spot any blog posts that you’d like me to feature, feel free to get in touch. You can either email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or try shouting REALLY loudly.
Send out mailers, reminding customers that they are due an eye test, but make all the words on the front SUPER blurry, convincing readers (or should that be “squinters”?) that they have a particularly nasty eye problem, and are likely to go blind unless they quickly secure an appointment.
2. Remind People That Reading is a Good Thing
Remind customers that the ability to read is important and, to read, you need eyes that work reasonably well. If you don’t, you can make mistakes…
3. The Dangers of Cheap Glasses
Warn people of the social implications of wearing cheap and tacky glasses. Sure, it worked for Timmy Mallet in the 1980s, but where is he now?
I’ll tell you where he is. He’s working on the veg counter at a Tesco near Shepherd’s Bush…
Actually, that’s a lie. I have no idea where he is now.
Shit, I better check because if he’s dead, I’m going to feel REALLY guilty.
* CHECKS WIKIPEDIA *
It’s OK, he’s still alive and doing his thing. Phew!
Still, the point remains, don’t be the one wearing tawdry eyewear.
Use social media to launch an initiative where you offer free eye tests to referees who make appalling calls in important matches.
You’ll have to REALLY search for these as football fans are famously respectful of referees and are often reticent to express their disapproval of decisions made during the game.
5. For Kids…
To stop kids being a bloody* nightmare when having their eyes tested, send them out a pack they can interact with before they come to the store.
This could include links to a personalised video, looking through the eyes of a child of what to expect when they arrive at the store, as well as activities to complete and fill out at home (eye charts, with patches and floor markers), so they can check their own eyesight before they arrive.
Get them invested and involved while at home and your job at the store will be much easier.
* You may choose a stronger adjective.
If you enjoyed this post, feel free to use the ideas, copy them, sell them, swap them for an old copy of the Beano or print them out, rip them up and use them like confetti. Go nuts. If you’d like some ideas for your own business, let’s have a chat.
When I was 15, I used to work in a coffee shop. I wasn’t a Barista or anything, no, I’m one of those old fogies, over the age of 40, so when I worked in a coffee shop, we really just poured coffee from one container to another, smaller, one.
The only options I had open to me were milk, cream or black.
Nowadays, serving coffee is an art form. You probably have to go to night school or something. Pretty soon it’ll be an Olympic event, with people travelling from all over the world to serve the best coffee with the perfect froth.
If you’re not the world champion Barista though, it can be a struggle to find some moments of joy in your work.
Here are 5 ways you can funny up being a Barista:
1. You’re a what?
Come into work dressed up as a Barrister.
Yes, you heard me, a barrister:
When customers ask about your attire, claim ignorance, saying:
“I know. It’s my first day and didn’t know what to wear, so I just Googled Barrister. I don’t think anyone else here is really making an effort to be honest. They haven’t even asked to inspect my court papers.”
2. Sprinkle some creativity
You know when Barista’s use templates to create lovely works of art on top of your coffee?
Get creative with these. Make templates that give out creative and bizarre messages that your customers will appreciate and remember for years to come, messages such as:
“I REALLY like the way your mums smells!”
“I bet you can’t drink this whole thing without peeing”, or
“Your preferred choice of football team is not as good as mine!”
3. A Rose by any other name…
Instead of asking, “What name is it please?”, ask the customer for the name of their favourite member of S Club 7, 15th Century Poet or sexual position.
The more straightfaced you can do this, the better.
“Tall, extra hot, skinny Mochachino for Geoffrey Chaucer…”*
4. A Rose by any other name…part 2
Or, after they give you their name. Look at them seriously and say, “No, your REAL name.” When they insist that they’re remembering their own name correctly, reply sarcastically, “Of course JOHN [WINK]. Your coffee will be right with you, JOHN [DOUBLE WINK].”
Feel free to use air quotes.
5. Are you staying in?
Buy a lot of dolls house sized tables.
Wait for someone to order an Espresso (I nearly typed “Expresso” – just to piss some of you off!).
When they say that it’s to drink inside say, “in that case, you’ re welcome to one of our Espresso tables…”, and hand them one of the miniature tables.
Await their gratitude. (you’ll be waiting a while)
* Admit it, you wish I’d used the sexual position option for the gag (though this does tell you a lot about my level of confidence in both of these subjects).
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Having a solid testimonial page is a great way to build your credibility without having to actually meet, engage or talk with clients (Ewwww!).
Potential customers are weary; they are far more likely to respect someone else’s opinion of you and your work, rather than your own (go figure), so you should always try to grab testimonials where you can and display them proudly, all over your website, brochures and underwear.
I’ve always been of the opinion that the more testimonials you have, the better. You can’t have too many of the damn things. Not only should you have a testimonial page stuffed full of nice things said by other people, testimonials can be a great way of breaking up text-heavy web copy and blog posts.
That’s a great point John. Quotes really do break up blocks of text quite well – thanks!”
Whether you have a lorry load of testimonials or whether you’re still trying to grab your first one, there are some things you can do to make your testimonial page stand out from the crowd and give your potential customers a bit of a giggle.
1. Fake Testimonials
Make up some fake testimonials to throw in with the real ones. Be sure to actually mention this on your website though, just in case potential clients really do think that Mother Teresa thought your pooper scooper was, and I quote, “FUCKING AWESOME!”
Make it fun.
Make it a competition. “Here are some amazing testimonials from real people, just like you. Actually, two of them are completely fake, but, if you tell us which ones are, you get a 10% discount/free guide/back rub!” (delete where applicable or legal).
2. Competition Time!
Send an email to ALL of your past customers and run a competition with a prize for the best, but truthful, testimonial. You can even invent a scoring system, with extra points for video with a costume and dodgy accent, for example.
3. “But I don’t have any testimonials!!”
Fear not. If you don’t have any testimonials, or if you just fancy doing something a bit different, why not take a photo of an old school report, and highlight how the skills you showed as a pre-pubescent teen relate to your present work?
‘John was a disturbance to the class’ becomes: ‘John shows leadership potential and can easily attract attention’.
‘John…John Holt?… Who? Was he even in my class?’ becomes: “John fits in and has an uncanny ability to blend into any environment’.
‘John set fire to three buildings, destroying the school, causing millions of pounds worth of damage.’ – translation: ‘John is capable of affecting change worth many millions of pounds’.
4. Pile them all together
Why not take all of your testimonials and make them into word art drawing of your logo? Basically, this is a drawing of anything to do with your business, such as your logo, brand or receptionist, where the lines are actually comprised of text from your testimonials.
You could also bung all of your testimonials into a tag cloud, to see what words stand out. This allows your customers to get an instant feel for what your company can do for them.
Warning! If your tag cloud looks like this…
5. Other Testimonials
If you’re running low on testimonials, or have none at all, look for other kind words you’ve received in your life and use those.
Have you ever sold anything on eBay? If so, feel free to grab some feedback off there and use that.
As Socrates once said:
“You can tell more about a man by how he packages up his second hand unwanted tat and by the swiftness of his seller communciations, than by any other means…” *
Have a quick look through your eBay history and see what lovely things people have said. It’s not often you can get an A+++++++ rating with 15 exclamation points at the end.
So there you have 5 ways to funny-up your usage of testimonials. I hope you found them useful and if you have any other ideas, please feel free to comment below and share them!
* I think that’s what he said. He was very drunk at the time and the pub was quite noisy. Hang on, there’s a chance it may not have been THE Socrates…
I still stand by it though.
Can I help you with anything, or are you just browsing? Feel free to send me a message using the form below. Please. I get lonely.