5 Ways to Funny Up Being a Barista

Funny Up Being a Barista - Penis Latte
“OK, this is a grande penisimo Latte for John…with extra cream.”

When I was 15, I used to work in a coffee shop. I wasn’t a Barista or anything, no, I’m one of those old fogies, over the age of 40, so when I worked in a coffee shop, we really just poured coffee from one container to another, smaller, one.

The only options I had open to me were milk, cream or black.

Nowadays, serving coffee is an art form. You probably have to go to night school or something. Pretty soon it’ll be an Olympic event, with people travelling from all over the world to serve the best coffee with the perfect froth.

Oh dear god. I was joking, but it’s a real bloody thing!

If you’re not the world champion Barista though, it can be a struggle to find some moments of joy in your work.

Here are 5 ways you can funny up being a Barista:

1. You’re a what?

Come into work dressed up as a Barrister.

Yes, you heard me, a barrister:

5 Ways To Funny Up Being a Barista - Be a Barrister
I think the barrister is the one on the left. No, MY left.

When customers ask about your attire, claim ignorance, saying:

“I know. It’s my first day and didn’t know what to wear, so I just Googled Barrister. I don’t think anyone else here is really making an effort to be honest. They haven’t even asked to inspect my court papers.”

2. Sprinkle some creativity

You know when Barista’s use templates to create lovely works of art on top of your coffee?

Get creative with these. Make templates that give out creative and bizarre messages that your customers will appreciate and remember for years to come, messages such as:

“I REALLY like the way your mums smells!”

“I bet you can’t drink this whole thing without peeing”, or

“Your preferred choice of football team is not as good as mine!”

5 Ways To Funny Up Being a Barista - Sprinkles
I won’t lie. I may have edited this.

3. A Rose by any other name…

Instead of asking, “What name is it please?”, ask the customer for the name of their favourite member of S Club 7, 15th Century Poet or sexual position.

The more straightfaced you can do this, the better.

“Tall, extra hot, skinny Mochachino for Geoffrey Chaucer…”*

4. A Rose by any other name…part 2

Or, after they give you their name. Look at them seriously and say, “No, your REAL name.” When they insist that they’re remembering their own name correctly, reply sarcastically, “Of course JOHN [WINK]. Your coffee will be right with you, JOHN [DOUBLE WINK].”

Feel free to use air quotes.

5. Are you staying in?

  1. Buy a lot of dolls house sized tables.
  2. Wait for someone to order an Espresso (I nearly typed “Expresso” – just to piss some of you off!).
  3. When they say that it’s to drink inside say, “in that case, you’ re welcome to one of our Espresso tables…”, and hand them one of the miniature tables.
  4. Await their gratitude. (you’ll be waiting a while)

* Admit it, you wish I’d used the sexual position option for the gag (though this does tell you a lot about my level of confidence in both of these subjects).

Can I help you with anything? Send me a message using the form below (or by using your telepathic powers, whichever is easier)

[contact-form-7 id=”107″ title=”Insert Gag Here”]

5 Ways to Funny-up your Testimonial Page

Funny TestimonialsHaving a solid testimonial page is a great way to build your credibility without having to actually meet, engage or talk with clients (Ewwww!).

Potential customers are weary; they are far more likely to respect someone else’s opinion of you and your work, rather than your own (go figure), so you should always try to grab testimonials where you can and display them proudly, all over your website, brochures and underwear.

I’ve always been of the opinion that the more testimonials you have, the better. You can’t have too many of the damn things. Not only should you have a testimonial page stuffed full of nice things said by other people, testimonials can be a great way of breaking up text-heavy web copy and blog posts.

That’s a great point John. Quotes really do break up blocks of text quite well – thanks!”

Whether you have a lorry load of testimonials or whether you’re still trying to grab your first one, there are some things you can do to make your testimonial page stand out from the crowd and give your potential customers a bit of a giggle.

Here’s 5:

1. Fake Testimonials

Make up some fake testimonials to throw in with the real ones. Be sure to actually mention this on your website though, just in case potential clients really do think that Mother Teresa thought your pooper scooper was, and I quote, “FUCKING AWESOME!”

Make it fun.

Make it a competition. “Here are some amazing testimonials from real people, just like you. Actually, two of them are completely fake, but, if you tell us which ones are, you get a 10% discount/free guide/back rub!” (delete where applicable or legal).

2. Competition Time!

Send an email to ALL of your past customers and run a competition with a prize for the best, but truthful, testimonial. You can even invent a scoring system, with extra points for video with a costume and dodgy accent, for example.

3. “But I don’t have any testimonials!!”

Fear not. If you don’t have any testimonials, or if you just fancy doing something a bit different, why not take a photo of an old school report, and highlight how the skills you showed as a pre-pubescent teen relate to your present work?

‘John was a disturbance to the class’ becomes: ‘John shows leadership potential and can easily attract attention’.

‘John…John Holt?… Who? Was he even in my class?’ becomes: “John fits in and has an uncanny ability to blend into any environment’.

‘John set fire to three buildings, destroying the school, causing millions of pounds worth of damage.’ – translation: ‘John is capable of affecting change worth many millions of pounds’.

4. Pile them all together

Why not take all of your testimonials and make them into word art drawing of your logo? Basically, this is a drawing of anything to do with your business, such as your logo, brand or receptionist, where the lines are actually comprised of text from your testimonials.

Like this:

Word Art Testimonial
Somewhere in here is the location of the Holy Grail, the Lost Ark of the Covenant and that Tuna sandwich I misplaced last week.

You could also bung all of your testimonials into a tag cloud, to see what words stand out. This allows your customers to get an instant feel for what your company can do for them.

Warning! If your tag cloud looks like this…

tBad Tag Cloud Example

…ditch it.

5. Other Testimonials

If you’re running low on testimonials, or have none at all, look for other kind words you’ve received in your life and use those.

Have you ever sold anything on eBay? If so, feel free to grab some feedback off there and use that.

As Socrates once said:

“You can tell more about a man by how he packages up his second hand unwanted tat and by the swiftness of his seller communciations, than by any other means…” *

Have a quick look through your eBay history and see what lovely things people have said. It’s not often you can get an A+++++++ rating with 15 exclamation points at the end.

eBay Testimonial feedback
All feedback is good feedback…unless it looks like this.

So there you have 5 ways to funny-up your usage of testimonials. I hope you found them useful and if you have any other ideas, please feel free to comment below and share them!

* I think that’s what he said. He was very drunk at the time and the pub was quite noisy. Hang on, there’s a chance it may not have been THE Socrates…

I still stand by it though.

Can I help you with anything, or are you just browsing? Feel free to send me a message using the form below. Please. I get lonely.

[contact-form-7 id=”107″ title=”Insert Gag Here”]

Death to “Dear Sir…”

Death To Dear Sir - XBox
“Dear Sir, I am writing to you this fine morn to mention a hitherto undiscovered disagreeable condition with regards my XBox. The audio is non-existent. One hath attempted removal and perusing of the HDMI cable, but, alas, this was to no avail…”

Can we agree, once and for all, that “Dear Sir” is a bloody terrible way to start an email?

At one point, someone obviously had the thought… “how can I begin a letter in a way that will convey an appropriate amount of deference and respect?”

And thus, “Dear Sir” was born.

I still remember being told to use “Dear Sir or Madam” on covering letters (yes, “letters”… I’m THAT old!) when applying for jobs.

The theory being that these four opening words would not immediately eliminate us from the job search.

(a feat that my appalling personal statement was more than adequate in achieving on its own)

Here’s the problem – “Dear Sir” is meaningless and lazy. 


When you’re using the same opening as all those fake Nigerian bankers, it’s probably time to change it up a little.

Besides, how hard is it to discover someone’s name?

All it takes is a quick search… on social media… on Google… or in their recycle bins at 3 AM…

People like the sound of their own names.

We’re actually biologically wired to listen out for it. We can’t help paying attention to it when it’s used.

The exact scientific phrasing would be something like:

“There is unique brain activation specific to one’s own name in relation to the names of others”*.

Use this science – and their brain – to your advantage when trying to force an opening with someone.

Doing a little digging and avoiding the generic, “Dear Sir” approach will pay dividends.

It will make you stand out.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I just heard someone in Venezuela say my name…

* I know that because I took it from somewhere scientific (“Brain activation when hearing one’s own and others’ names“, to be exact)