How I’d have dealt with the “Schofield Queuing” thing…

Shamefully, I wasn’t paying too much attention to The Queen’s funeral arrangements, but I did hear about the “Tale of Two Celebrities” queueing saga.

(Dear god, if International folks thought us Brits loved waiting in line BEFORE this, gawd only knows what they’re thinking now)

In the red corner, we have David Beckham – world famous footballer and long-time stubble bearer. The man who took his life into his hands and queued among the great unwashed for twelve hours so he could pay his respects.

And in the yellow corner, we have Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby – the This Morning presenters who, because they were there “in a professional capacity”, were given deluxe, VIP, Diamond encrusted, lightning-fast passes that seemingly allowed them to bypass the throng and go straight to the front of the line.

(Kinda reminds of me of that time I got a cheat code for Sonic the Hedgehog that let me walk through walls)

Needless to say, skipping the queue annoyed folks. Even fans of This Morning were pissed. All four of them.

Some Twitter users petitioned ITV to sack them.

(You know it’s bad when the calm and serene folk of Twitter kick off. You know how reticent they are to voice their feelings)

When This Morning next hit the airwaves on Tuesday, everyone was waiting for the inevitable apology.

They’re still waiting.

Instead of apologising, the presenters came out with this:

“Like hundreds of other accredited broadcasters and journalists…”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Sorry, I think I’m don…. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

OK, NOW I’m done.

“Like hundreds of accredited broadcasters and journalists, we were given official permission to access the hall and moved to the front for reporting purposes. Please know we would never jump a queue.”

And that ^^^, my dear subscriber, is the best the combined brain power of the This Morning team could come up with after staring at a whiteboard with the words “HOW THE HELL DO WE SALVAGE THIS?” on it for THREE BOODY DAYS.

It’s not for me to say whether we should be annoyed or not, but…

There ARE two people – and ONLY two people – who have good cause to be pissed at “Schofeby”. 

(I’m a bit shit at nicknames).

The two people at the front of the “I’m sorry, but we’ve got to cut the queue off here” line.

Imagine standing for a day, only to be told to go home cos the line was too long?

If I was on the This Morning team, I’d have pitched them the idea of totally owning their VIP status:

“Yeah, we jumped the queue. But we had a damn good reason – we’re celebrities, bitches! If I wanted to spend more time hanging around ordinary people, I’d do my big shop on Thursday nights and talk to my executive assistant”

That would’ve been awesome.

Of course, I’d have been fired immediately, but what a way to go…

Whatever happens, Phil and Holly look like a pair of selfish so-and-so’s.

They saved themselves 12 hours, but the media clear up is going to be more intensive than getting a 1-star slaughterhouse fit for a Queen’s King’s banquet.

* Sorry, that’s gonna take some getting used to.

I’m willing to bet £3.52 that, if Phil and Holly could do it over, they’d plump for the “let’s queue for 12 hours” option.

It’s why you have to be careful with shortcuts. 

What you save in time, you pay in consequences.

It’s why most folks don’t save time by driving across roundabouts or through shopping centres.

Sure, you’ll save time and get to hang around lots of people in uniform…

… but the consequences are a little on the “messy” side.

Same with copywriting…

You could join a bunch of email lists, save their emails and sales pages, and then blindly tweak them to suit your business, but…

Unless you know what’s going on under the hood – and I mean you know exactly why that email was sent… at that time… to this particular segment… and who that sales page is aimed at…

… you could end up doing a “Schofe”.

If you’re looking for a non-shortcutty way of writing emails that sell, click here and check out “Sent.” – my day-by-day email writing course.

I know it’s a bold claim… but, so far, NONE of the folks who’ve joined have ended up trending on Twitter, with an outraged public demanding their heads.

Who knows though… maybe you’ll be the first! 🙂

John Holt

P.S. Dammit…

I wrote this entire email and only NOW realised I missed an obvious This Mourning pun…