You CAN write an email that sucks (here’s how)

If you want to make the most of your emails, making sure they get delivered to – and seen by – the person you’re sending it to is probably a good place to start.

Email deliverability experts have a vast array of technical apps, complicated dashboards, and cotton-stitched branded T-shirts, so you know it’s a complicated – and probably costly – problem to solve.

I’m no deliverability expert, but as someone who’s successfully sent over 23 emails in his lifetime, I know a thing or three.

So I thought I’d share some quick tips you can start using to make (almost, probably, maybe) certain your missives are landing in the right place.

Of course, being me, I wanted to put a little twist on it. So with that in mind, I present…

“Tank Your Deliverability” – Three Quick and Easy Tips You Can Use To PLUMMET Your Open Rates

1. “Christ Janice. Canva much?” 

If you’re looking for the easiest way of triggering Google’s AI’s “Promotional message” alert alarm, packing your email full of images is probably it.

Give yourself the best chance of your email remaining unseen – don’t waste time on connecting with your audience or crafting a persuasive, natural-sounding message. Personable stuff like that might confuse the bots into thinking you’re a real human being, with something useful to say.

Instead, put your email on the fast track to Spam city by bleeding your Canva account dry and stuffing your email with images, graphics, and clip art instead.

BONUS POINTS: Don’t even think about using ALT text. I mean it. Don’t you dare click in that box.

2. “Think John Major… only less charismatic”

You have a unique voice and personality, you say?

Get rid of it.

Trying to be a decent, communicative human is a fruitless exercise that results in your email landing in your customer’s inboxes and possibly being opened… maybe even read and acted on.

EGADS!

You’re not ready to unleash that kind of hell.

Instead, help the magic AI robots discover you’re a mindless drone by getting rid of anything distinctive and interesting about your email.

Remember when your school teacher told you you were special and unique?

Don’t listen to her. She clearly knew nothing about email deliverability.

If you want to land in the promo tab every single time, get rid of your likable, distinctive, and singular qualities.

Got a unique view or take on the latest developments? Great… keep that shit to yourself.

Imagine you’re a chameleon being hunted by 15 SAS snipers – blend in like your life depends on it.

Keeping your message bland, uninteresting, and sounding the same as everyone else is guaranteed to keep your open rate clear of double-digit territory.

3. “Like Wolf of Wall Street… but dial it up a bit!!!!!”

You know “A B C – Always Be Closing”?

I’ve got a new acronym for you:

“CCC – CLOSE! CLOSE! CLOSE!”

You’ve already taken the first few steps – eliminating your unique personality and voice from your email. Now you’re ready for the next one…

… filling that void with as many high-pressure, salesy, and sleazy words as you can.

Ideally, you want to write something that makes you feel sick and your grandmother reconsider her will.

If you’re not retching as you read your email, go back and try harder.

Here’s a few words to get you started.

And here’s a few more.

And, since I like you…

Here’s even more.

Those should give you enough ammo to keep you in trouble for a while.

– – – 

Guaranteeing your emails never get seen by your audience is no easy task.

Especially for someone as fun, personable, interesting, and useful as you.

But I believe in you.

You CAN write an email that not only sucks balls… but remains bolded, unopened, and unnoticed in your subscriber’s inbox.

Hopefully, this email has helped make that dream a reality for you.

John