I got caught cheating on a test

I don’t know what it is about medical tests.

Every time I take one I wonder if this will be the one that reveals my latent superpower.

Every time I have my blood taken, I’m waiting for the phone call to say “Mr Holt? We discovered “Hulk-level” gamma radiation coursing through your veins… whatever you don’t, don’t get angry. We’re sending you to NASA. Oh, and your cholesterol up too. So maybe lay off the chips, fatty.”

I try harder on medical tests too…

“What’s the smallest line you can read, Mr Holt…”

If I squinted my eyes any tighter, I’d be firing lasers out of them:

“Copyright… 1984… no 1985…”

I’m 46 and I’m still doing this shit.

I did it yesterday. 

I was having a vision field test. My face was locked into a brace the doctor presumably borrowed from the set of Clockwork Orange and I had to stare at the red light and click a button every time I saw a white flash in my peripheral vision. 

Only I kept moving my eyes, scanning the board like it was the “Whack-a-mole” Olympiad.

“We’ll do it again… this time without cheating, Mr Holt”.

Balls. 

So I do the test properly – without my superpower – only…

Now I feel the urge to start predicting the lights. 

Click… click… click… click.

Click… click… click………

Shit. Did I miss one? 

“Should I click the button to finish off the click… click… click… rhythm?”

“In the last burst there were four lights… I’m gonna click”

And now to the positively uplifting takeaway of the email:

Humans are cheating, lying gits.

And if you disagree, you’re lying to yourself.

We lie. We’re dishonest. We don’t do what we say.

We’re basically horrible people. 

Want this cheating, lying gits advice?

Don’t make any decisions based on what people SAY they’d do.

Instead… base decision on what they actually DO.

Want to get a meaningful – non-lying – answer to a question?

Don’t ask people what they would do…

… ask them to do it and see what they do.

A selfish example to aid your learning? Why the hell not:

“Would you pay £109 to discover my process for writing emails like this?” – WRONG!

“Click here to discover my process for writing emails like this” – BETTER.

John