A funny thing happens when you have a dependable system for writing emails…
Your kettle boils 17.2% faster.
Fine. That’s a lie. You got me.
Here’s what does start to happen though:
You start seeing emails everywhere.
Not literally, obviously.
I mean, visually hallucinating Russian hotties or Nigerian princes as you nip to Greggs for your usual healthy lunch of 13 sausage rolls would be pretty weird.
I’m talking about a simple shift that happens inside your head.
Once you’ve got an approach for writing emails, suddenly everything (and I do mean everything) that happens to you is followed by the same thought:
“This would make for a bloody good email…”
I’ll warn you now, this can get scary, disturbing… and weird.
Let me paint you a picture…
(To help ensure your last meal remains inside your stomach, you’ll be glad to know I’ve plucked an example from the “weird” category)
Last weekend I took my kid swimming and within about a minute of us getting in the pool, I realised I had a big problem…
My wedding ring was slipping off.
Apparently, the combination of a) immersing myself in a mixture of two parts urine and one part chlorine and b) the OMAD diet meant keeping my ring on my finger was like trying to stop a fat kid covered in butter halfway down a waterslide.
Noticing this, most sensible humans would think something along the lines of:
“Oh dear. My wedding ring appears to be a tad loose. I best get out of the pool and put it in my locker so I don’t lose it.”
But I’m not a sensible human.
I’m me… a man who can write an email, so my internal dialog went like this:
“Losing my wedding ring in here would make for one hell of an email.’’
Yep. Seriously. That was the first thought that entered my head.
The second? How could I transition this magnificent tale into a pitch for “Sent.”
You know, “Sent.”, right? It’s my email writing course you can get at a discounted price by clicking here and using the code ”COUPONCODE” at checkout.
“Maybe I could talk about how the wedding ring – though seemingly important – isn’t really what matters. It’s about the relationship – the ring doesn’t make you love anyone more. It’s the same with email – you don’t need to have every piece of the puzzle in place to make your audience love you…”
A little clumsy, but it could work.
Or how about:
“When everything’s working fine, you don’t notice it. It’s like the sound quality on the TV, or your wedding ring – you don’t consciously notice it until something goes wrong – then it screams out at you. Like when someone uses the word “hitherto” in an email. It stands out a mile. It doesn’t feel right. That’s why writing in YOUR voice is so important…”
(Damn… I’m beginning to wish I HAD lost the ring now.)
In the end I acted on my third thought:
“Stop being a fucking idiot, Holt. Put the ring in your locker and write about seeing emails everywhere instead.”
Not quite as dramatic, but saving my wedding ring and my marriage is probably the safest option for me and my genitalia.
Want to start seeing emails wherever you go so you too can put your own relationships in constant jeopardy?
P.S. Of course, the ironic thing is that as soon as my wife reads this email, she’s probably going to kill me anyway.