(That code is for “email club” folks only, so please don’t share it!)
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If you only read one line of this email, the next one should probably be the one you choose.
NEVER TAKE DIET ADVICE FROM ME.
A while back, I told you how, to curb my colossal carb cravings, I’d taken drastic measures…
The OMAD diet.
It’s been over a month since I made that decision and – big spoiler – I’ve not stuck to it, but…
Not for the reason you might think I’d ditch a diet requiring me to survive on only one meal a day.
And I can make that claim with a fair degree of certainty because I’ve been Googling the shit out of it for about a week and no one else appears to have had the same problem.
(Now I’ve used the word “problem”, you’re imagining some kind of exploding bowel thing, aren’t you?)
Why did I quit?
Because it worked…
“That’s a stupid reason to…”
Because it worked… TOO BLOODY WELL!
Eating once a day is a tough drain on your willpower, so to keep my motivation up (and my hands out of my doughnut ottoman), I tracked my weight daily.
I’m telling you that to a) prove I’m not relying on my memory, guesstimations, or divining rods when I reveal what I’m about to reveal, and b) to save you from the horror of looking at my before and after photos.
(You should definitely leave space in your will to thank me for that)
When I first looked back over my first 30 OMAD days, I was delighted…
14lbs down in a month!
“Holy shit! That’s amazing… brilliant… and…..
H-O-L-Y SHIT! That’s waaaaaaay too much weight to lose in 30 days.”
(To give you a sense of proportion, in case you mistake me for one of the stars of “Man or Blimp?” for whom 14lbs would be a drop in the ocean, I weighed 14st 5lbs on day one – about 187lbs. I know stats are boring but remember… it’s this or the photos)
I started panicking…
“Shit. Maybe I’m ill.”
I’d gone from absolute delight to Googling chronic wasting diseases in about 30 seconds.
I know diet results are always dramatic in the first couple of weeks…
(I still remember the “ooohs” and “aahhhhs” I got from the Slimming World massive (hahahahaha) when the lady at the front announced I’d lost 8lbs in my first week. It was so impressive I made a mental note to add it to the top of my resume)
Still, 14lbs in a month seems excessive, so I’ve dialled it back.
I’ve gone from OMAD to OMADWMABOSFLIIFP (One Meal A Day With Maybe A Bowl Of Soup For Lunch If I’m Feeling Peckish).
Not quite as catchy, but at least I’m not positioning mirrors in the morning to check if my kidney has dropped out in the night.
I realise succeeding beyond your wildest expectations definitely falls into the “first world” category of problems, along with “what shall I do with all this money?”, and “Sex? AGAIN? Oh alright Angelina… if I must”…
But it’s worth thinking about what you’d do if business went crazy… if you woke up tomorrow to find your video of your cat licking a wall had gone viral and 3,253 people had signed up for your 1-2-1 program…
After all, you’ve probably heard of at least one company whose website crashed due to becoming more popular than they’d ever imagined.
Sometimes, it’s not even something you can predict.
Noel Edmonds once tweeted a claim that one of EMP Pad’s products tackled cancer. Not only was this a bold claim…
It’s one the company has NEVER made about ANY of its products.
Can you imagine being a director of EMP Pad waking up that day?
“What a lovely day. Think I’ll just check Twitter before I drop the kids off at sch… WTF? He said WHAT? Holy shi… AAAARRRGGGHHHH!”
Lot’s of important points to remember here:
1. Don’t take dieting advice from a copywriter who confuses progress with possible radiation poisoning.
2. If you’re looking for someone to take health advice from, “do you present a game show that involves opening red boxes?” is not the first question you should ask.
4. I didn’t put a lot of thought into the transition of this email.
5. Or the last line.