Subject line: I thought my dog was going to die
“Something’s not right… he’s breathing funny… he’s panting… he’s shaking… his heart’s racing…
OMG… HE’S GONNA DIE…”
– – –
I have to be honest, contemplating the imminent death of a family member wasn’t the best start to New Year’s Eve I’ve ever had.
And while I jokingly attribute 103% of my frustrations in life to our beloved Puggle, seeing him like this was scary.
When kids are ill they can tell you “my head hurts”, “I feel sick”, or “the colour blue tastes funny”, but with dogs…
You have NOTHING to go on.
It was 7 am and I was scared shitless.
And if I was scared shitless, you know it was bad.
He was standing in an odd, leaning way. He was panting, his heart was racing, and his left eye started closing.
I genuinely thought this was it.
I woke the wife.
I dread moments like this because she’s a fucking nightmare in the morning I know how much the mutt means to her.
I’m under no illusions… if a law was passed requiring married Puggle owners to choose between their husband or the dog…
I’d be setting up a Tinder account the next day.
We grabbed our kid and raced to the vets (“raced” is a bit strong for my 16-year-old car, but I wanted to build a sense of urgency). My daughter was in the front with me, crying her eyes out, while my wife was in the back, cradling the dog.
We get there and have about ten minutes until the vets arrive, so we just have to wait.
I walk the dog around. I convince myself he looks a little better. Just as I’m about to say “I think he’s perked up a bit…”, he throws up a horrible white splash of thick goo, the likes of which I’ve never seen before.
I decided to not verbalise my “perky” comment.
Now I’m really scared.
Before I can Google “what the hell does it mean when your dog throws up white stuff?”, the vet arrives.
After we get him up to speed, he takes the dog inside, saying:
“We might need to keep him in and put him on Oxygen…”
I’d love to say I was a rock for my wife and daughter, but I was too busy scooping up the white stuff.*
* That sounds vaguely like a cocaine reference. It’s not. I’ve never done cocaine, though I did once squirt talcum powder up my nose when I was a kid. Sneezing was a bit ouchy after that.
As I head to the bins, I try to peek in the windows of the room, to see the expressions on their faces… or how fast they’re moving. Anything, to give me a clue as to how bad it is.
After about 5 minutes, the vet returns with the dog, merrily skipping behind.
“I think he’s twinged his back.”
WHAT? Twinged his back? You gotta be kidding me…
I’m convinced I’ve misheard.
“But… the panting… heart racing… eye closing…”
“Yeah, dogs can be like that. We’ll give him some steroids and see him in a week…”
Thank god.
The relief that washed over us was HUUUUUGE.
The dog might still be panting and looking like he’s at death’s door but we weren’t the same collective, crying, “is he going to die?” mess we were five minutes ago.
Because we were no longer wondering and fearing the worst.
A specialist has told us exactly what the problem was… and how to fix it.
Result? Total peace of mind.
WARNING – INCOMING PITCH!
It’s a bit like having your copy critiqued by a (still) Puggle-owning copywriter.
Last year, I had a ridiculously cheap offer for coffee critiques.
Bad news – that offer has gone.
Good news – you still have a chance for me to play vet to your poorly copy*.
* Other role play options are available upon request (and at steeper price points).
All you have to do is sign up for ThriveCart – the easiest sales cart software I’ve ever used in my entire life – by clicking this handy affiliate link.
Do that and you can send me any piece of copy you like to review.
I’ll not only gently lead your copy into my surgery, but I’ll also thoroughly examine it, giving you a fully annotated PDF of all my thoughts on how to make it more profitable.
I’ll even give you a dose of Steroids to make the heavy lifting easier by shooting a video of me walking through all these ideas.
But let’s add some credibility to this by using some words I didn’t type:
“I was expecting a quick review of one web page. But I got so much more than that. But it wasn’t just about volume, there was depth too. John took the time to explain his thinking and rationale behind his suggestions. And it wasn’t just high-level stuff. He gave me some really actionable easy to implement tips that will help me communicate what I do more clearly to potential clients. Oh, and there were some juicy creative ideas too – well beyond the remit of a web page review.”
“How easy is ThriveCart to use?” I hear 17 of you ask…
Piece of piss.
Why not see for yourself?
If you want to get a feel for ThriveCart before you buy, watch that video and you’ll see whether it’s for you.
If you’re looking for a stress-free way of getting your offers out into the world in 2022, check out ThriveCart (you can also use code “insertgaghere” at checkout)
NOTE: ThriveCart doesn’t pass along customer purchases – they’re good like that. So if you do pick it up, shoot me an email, letting me know so we can organise your free critique.
Toodlepip!
John
P.S. I still haven’t googled the white stuff.
P.P.S. But I HAVE Googled how to use Tinder.
Not because of the “Puggle or Husband” ultimatum…
But because of the “she’s a fucking nightmare in the mornings“ gag.
I’m gonna pay for that…
P.P.P.S. Here’s my affiliate link for ThriveCart again.