Sully my breeches

I buy jeans like most people buy milk:

“If you’re passing Asda, can you pop in and pick me up a pair of those £8 ones? 34 waist, 31 inside leg. Thanks.”

That was until last Sunday at 14:47 when EVERYTHING CHANGED, and I went upmarket. 

A bit.

(Alright, I’m guessing the time, but it’s close enough and, after my last email, I feel the need to up my specificity)

I’ve been needing some new jeans for ages so, when me, the missus and my kid went to town to do some shopping, I thought I’d pop into Tesco and quickly grab a couple of pairs.

As I was passing M&S with my daughter, however, I could hear my wife’s voice inside my head, nagging me about finally getting a decent pair of jeans…

… you know, jeans where the back pockets aren’t hanging at knee level, requiring you to lean back like Keanu when rummaging for your keys.

My daughter interrupted my mental meandering:

“Can I go to ‘Claire’s Accessories’ for a bit? I’ve got a few people to buy for…”

Revealing insight about me No. 1 – I’d rather watch a Sarah Jessica Parker movie marathon marathon* than spend 18 seconds in a shop packed with squealing children and hair accessories along with a nervy – and possibly underqualified – teenager puncturing the lobes of young girls near the entrance…

* Nope. Not a typo. I’d genuinely rather watch an SJP marathon of marathons.

I took this as a sign from the Universe to shift my arse to M&S and check out some decent denim.

[FUNNY STORY ABOUT THE “THING” THAT HAPPENED IN THE CHANGING ROOM REMOVED FOR DECENCY AND LEGAL REASONS]

It was an eventful 17 minutes. 

I met a man called Andy who has no concept of personal space… and I also spent £50 on two pairs of jeans. Not a massive upgrade from my Asda slacks, but still… it’s 300% more than I usually spend.

Weirdly, even though they’re only £25, I’ve noticed some changes:

Like how I now take my wallet out of my pocket at home because I don’t want any weird ‘bulk’ at waist level.

(You may insert a joke here)

I also do a few weird things on the dog walk too…

(You may NOT insert a joke here)

I keep my distance from other people’s dogs in case they jump up at me and sully my breeches.

Also, when I was moving some branches after the recent storm damage, I stopped myself before wiping my hands onto my jeans.

(I used my friend Alison’s jeans instead. She was NOT happy. She definitely would NOT like Andy…)

Weirdest of all, I’ve started walking… “wider”.

I don’t know how to best explain it. Imagine a cowboy with rickets after spending ten years in an overly amorous prison.

That’s how I’m walking now.

I’ve realised why… as I step forward, my foot brushes against my other ankle. And when you’re walking in the countryside, it tends to leave a muddy skidmark on your jeans.

(IT’S MUD, ALRIGHT?)

I’m walking wider to stop my mud from getting on my expensive(ish) jeans.

EMAIL HACK – Stuck for a segue? Use big text!

When stuff is cheap, we don’t tend to look after it. 

The cheaper something is, the more disposable it becomes.

And if I was protective over my £25 jeans…

Can you imagine me on a dog walk rocking a pair of these bad boys?

It’s the same with your offers.

It’s worth thinking about your audience and asking:

“What would I need to charge to get them to engage with it as much as I want them to?”

Too low and your life-changing course might sit gathering digital dust.

Too high and maybe they’ll focus on it a little too much… to the detriment of other important stuff they should be doing.

A question like this might not determine your ultimate price, but it’s a pretty good marker.

John Holt