The absolutely true (zero bullshit) story of how I lost 35lbs in 2.4 seconds

When you’re trying to be healthy and track your weight, there’s only one thing worse than having no weighing scales…

 And that’s having scales that give you a different reading every time you step on them.

Let me give you a quick peek into some of the things I’ve recently been saying in my bathroom…

“220lbs? That can’t be right. Let me try that again…”

“196? The floor must be wonky. I’ll try on this side of the room…”

“204? WTF?!”

(Memo to self – if I ever release a diet plan, I’m calling it “204? WTF?!”)

– – – 

When our old digital scales died a death, I opted for a set of mechanical ones.

My thinking was they’d be reliable and I wouldn’t have to fiddle around with batteries.

Turns out I was half right…

The readings varied WILDLY every time I stepped on the damned thing.

I was morbidly obese one minute… malnourished the next.

I don’t think I hit the same number twice.

I knew there was a problem, but… I had no idea what that problem was.

The scales themselves are pretty small, so I can’t be standing on the wrong bit.

So I asked the wife to have a look as I stepped on again…

“210.”, she said.

“Really?” I replied, looking down, and that’s when we realised what the problem was.

As soon as I tilted my body slightly to look, the reading jumped to 216.

Looking down increased my body mass by 3%!

So I tilted my head back as much as I could.

“What’s it reading now?”, I yelled, clearly thinking I’d reached it back into another county.

“201”.

I’d love to tell you that – being a fully grown adult, and realising this was fruitless – I stepped off the scales, put them back in their box, and carried on with my day.

Truth is, I spent the next 20 minutes seeing just how far I could take this.

After some limbering up, I found that if I alternated between my best Michael Jackson “Smooth Criminal” lean forward and my “you better stop there or your spine will shatter” Neo from “The Matrix” bullet-dodging tilt…

I could weigh anywhere between 160 and 240lbs.

If I was standing in any of the positions a normal human being would stand on a set of scales, it still varied by about 35lbs.

The more forward I put my feet or leaned, the heavier I got.

If I wanted to feel light and justify a cheat day week month? All I had to do was inch back a bit.

Long story short, the scales are facking useless.

It’s all well and good looking at metrics, but unless you know what’s going on behind the scenes, it can bite you in the derriere.

The recent fuss over iOS 15 and email open rates is a great example.

If you didn’t know Apple Mail now effectively “opens” many emails you send, you might be tempted to think your recent boost in open rates was down to you finally discovering a subject line formula that works.

And you’d be wrong.

You could make some really bad decisions based on faulty assumptions like that.

Finding the right metric is one thing, but KNOWING it’s being measured correctly is another.

If you want a deep dive into email marketing metrics, including detailed and expansive scientific breakdowns, numerical charts, schematic diagrams, and statistical analysis of the most important variables…

Then stay the hell away from my email writing course, “Sent.”.

Because I don’t touch any of that stuff.

Instead, I try and give you a simple approach to writing emails your subscribers want to read.

Because here’s the thing…

It doesn’t matter what metric you use, or what iOS 1,236 has in store…

If you can’t write an email your subscribers WANT to read… none of it matters.

You can find out more about “Sent.” by clicking any of these complicated statistical analysis phrases I Googled to make myself feel clever:

Ordinal Variable

Denying the antecedent

Poisson Distribution

Just so you know – “Sent.” is only available until the end of November. Next year the price will be higher.

I haven’t got time to go into this here, but statistical analysis shows time and time again that when prices go up… you pay more. 

Interested in discovering how to write better emails that sell your stuff before I jack up the price?

Click here to check out “Sent.”

John Holt 

P.S. There IS an award for being the first email copywriter to use the words “Poisson Distribution” as a call-to-action, right?