When I was 15, I used to work in a coffee shop. I wasn’t a Barista or anything, no, I’m one of those old fogies, over the age of 40, so when I worked in a coffee shop, we really just poured coffee from one container to another, smaller, one.
The only options I had open to me were milk, cream or black.
Nowadays, serving coffee is an art form. You probably have to go to night school or something. Pretty soon it’ll be an Olympic event, with people travelling from all over the world to serve the best coffee with the perfect froth.
Oh dear god. I was joking, but it’s a real bloody thing!
If you’re not the world champion Barista though, it can be a struggle to find some moments of joy in your work.
Here are 5 ways you can funny up being a Barista:
1. You’re a what?
Come into work dressed up as a Barrister.
Yes, you heard me, a barrister:
When customers ask about your attire, claim ignorance, saying:
“I know. It’s my first day and didn’t know what to wear, so I just Googled Barrister. I don’t think anyone else here is really making an effort to be honest. They haven’t even asked to inspect my court papers.”
2. Sprinkle some creativity
You know when Barista’s use templates to create lovely works of art on top of your coffee?
Get creative with these. Make templates that give out creative and bizarre messages that your customers will appreciate and remember for years to come, messages such as:
“I REALLY like the way your mums smells!”
“I bet you can’t drink this whole thing without peeing”, or
“Your preferred choice of football team is not as good as mine!”
3. A Rose by any other name…
Instead of asking, “What name is it please?”, ask the customer for the name of their favourite member of S Club 7, 15th Century Poet or sexual position.
The more straightfaced you can do this, the better.
“Tall, extra hot, skinny Mochachino for Geoffrey Chaucer…”*
4. A Rose by any other name…part 2
Or, after they give you their name. Look at them seriously and say, “No, your REAL name.” When they insist that they’re remembering their own name correctly, reply sarcastically, “Of course JOHN [WINK]. Your coffee will be right with you, JOHN [DOUBLE WINK].”
Feel free to use air quotes.
5. Are you staying in?
- Buy a lot of dolls house sized tables.
- Wait for someone to order an Espresso (I nearly typed “Expresso” – just to piss some of you off!).
- When they say that it’s to drink inside say, “in that case, you’ re welcome to one of our Espresso tables…”, and hand them one of the miniature tables.
- Await their gratitude. (you’ll be waiting a while)
* Admit it, you wish I’d used the sexual position option for the gag (though this does tell you a lot about my level of confidence in both of these subjects).
Can I help you with anything? Send me a message using the form below (or by using your telepathic powers, whichever is easier)
[contact-form-7 id=”107″ title=”Insert Gag Here”]